The "Beavies"

Allright guys, its time to hand out some awards here at the Beaver Dam. So we're starting the first edition of The Beavies. Hosted by yours truly, Beaver McBeavington, we'll take you through the best and worst figures in sports. Well, you know how the awards work, so I'm going to cut through the bullshit and get down to it...


Coach Most Deserving of a Nut Punch:

Jimmy Johnson. OK, so he doesn't coach anymore. But I challenge anyone over the age of 15 to think of someone you'd rather give the old 1-2 combo to than JJ? From his hair to his attitude to his on-air persona, this guy's gotta get under your skin. I don't care who you are, he'll get ya. Give him time to talk and you'll most definitely hear about how he did things at The U and in Dallas. One thing he doesn't mention? His failed attempt to make a running team out of the Miami Dolphins, a team who hadn't run the ball well since the days of Csonka and Kiick. A team armed with Dan Marino, arguably the best quarterback of all time. His strategy? Drafting criminals. Lawrence Phillips, Cecil "The Diesel" Collins, et al. Hey, it worked at The U and it worked in Dallas, so why not try it with the 'Fins?

Honorable Mention:
Bobby Petrino, Arkansas
Nick Saban, Alabama
Rich Rodriguez, Michigan

Guy I'd most like to have as a coach:

Mike Leach, Texas Tech. Runs a fun operation with a wide-open offense and loves to bust balls on the media. Hopefully Leach will ditch the Raiders after they failed to committ him to a long-term deal.

Mark Cuban. OK, so he's not a coach either. Big deal. Tell me it wouldn't be fun to play on a team he coached. Think about it- your team might suck but you'd be arriving in style anywhere you went and there would be endless opportunities to bust balls on your coach.

Honorable Mention:
Mike Ditka
Pete Carroll

Broadcaster you wish would get fired:

Tim McCarver. Timmy Mac is probably on top of a lot of peoples' lists. His constant Mr Obvious comments, and incessant need to fill dead air with his yammering makes this guy intolerable. I know I'm not alone when I say I sometimes watch his broadcasts with the mute button on.

Honorable Mention:
Terry Bradshaw
Joe Morgan
Tony Kornheiser

Broadcaster you'd sign to a franchise deal:

John Madden. I probably just pissed off a ton of people, but I'm sticking to my guns. Televised sports need more people like John Madden. There, I said it. Fuck you. At least when Madden is doing a game he'll get off topic, unlike some of these hard-ons who think that the only thing your mind is focused on is the game you're watching. My hat is off to Madden for being able to realize when a game is slow, peoples' minds are drifting so you might as well float along with them. When a game reaches blowout status, Madden is your man. He'll take color commentating to the next level by posing questions about what you are most likely contemplating- why the referees changed their uniforms, how much do the odds go up that you'll end up with a souvenir football if you sit in the first 5 rows of the stadium, why are the rules for tackling a quarterback so pussified now? And he'll go on and on until he runs out of time. The man deserves an award, so I'm here to give him a Beavie baby.

Honorable Mention:
Ray Bentley. THIS GUY deserves a raise. Fucking ESPN gives him the AFL and every Tuesday or Wednesday college football game they can get their hands on. And the guy does a terrific job selling himself that he's actually interested in the Dallas Desperados playoff chances vs the Arizona Rattlers. Watch an AFL game next season sometime and see what I mean. You'll find yourself wrapped up in talks about the "Jack" linebacker and his role in AFL ball.

There, that's episode 1 of the Beavies. We'll get you some more later in the year. This should be enough to get you through your Friday.